Hunt Down the Witch Queen, B-movie style

THE LAST WITCH HUNTER (2015)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Movies about witches, sorcery and medieval settings updated to modern times are a dime a dozen, maybe two dozen. I went in to see "The Last Witch Hunter" without knowing one thing about it, though the title isn't exactly mysterious. The movie itself is an old-fashioned B-movie with a welcome sense of humor, something to be appreciated in this day and age of craptacular low-grade entertainment.

Vin Diesel is Kaulder, the bearded Witch Hunter we see in the opening scenes during a medieval snowy setting where he and his cohorts infiltrate a mass of twigs and branches in the middle of a mountainous pass. Once inside, Kaulder confronts the powerful Witch Queen (Julie Engelbrecht), a truly demonic creature that looks like she is straight out of an "Evil Dead" movie - she has vague notions of creating a worldwide Black Plague. Kaulder's cohorts are almost all killed but he manages to impale the Witch Queen, who in turn curses him with immortality (Why would that be a curse?)

Cue a modern setting, New York City (played by Pittsburgh) where Kaulder is now a member of the Axe and Cross, an assembly of witches who imprison evil witches by summoning an actual wooden creature that sucks them in and carries them out to some invisible prison behind rocky formations (I have mentioned this before, as evidenced by "Gangs of New York," but there are caves and underground lairs in NYC so this is perfectly plausible). Michael Caine (in a strangely sleepwalking role, a euphemism for an easy paycheck) is a priest known as the 36th Dolan, in a long line of Dolans, who is Kaulder's trusted companion that keeps track of all captured witches. After another powerful witch practically kills the Dolan (who was retiring), Kaulder seeks out the perpetrator along with the help of a newly assigned Dolan (played rather unconvincingly by Elijah Wood). Problem is that all this witch-hunting may lead to the resurrection of the Witch Queen and visions of what really happened 800 years ago when Kaulder gained immortality. After so many centuries, memories can be a little rusty.

"The Last Witch Hunter" has several action sequences with Kaulder armed with axes and flaming swords; witch bars (no humans allowed) in flames; a Witch Queen that turns into a locust of nasty bugs; many montages of what Kaulder sees from his past, including his wife and daughter; and yet another image of New York City in an Armageddon state, this time surrounded and covered in branches! Not all of it makes 100 percent sense, nor should it. What makes it tolerable is Vin Diesel's charm and commanding voice - he may not have been in many good films but the guy has got unbeatable magnetism. Also worth noting is a witch bar owner and purveyor of potions, Chloe (Rose Leslie), a good witch who can help Kaulder see his past clearly. As for Michael Caine himself, well, he appears in a relatively subdued manner with little of the heft he brought as Alfred in the "Dark Knight" trilogy.

For good old-fashioned fun and a reminder of the good-bad and truly rotten B-movie fantasies of the late 80's and early 90's, "Last Witch Hunter" can give you goosebumps and it has some startling special-effects that are sparingly used (the airplane scene is highly effective for how little it shows, though that scene suggest witches can control the weather). Vin Diesel makes it fun to watch, an ingredient often missing from today's modern fantasy fare, and makes you believe what is happening no matter how absurd. 

Marked for Preachy Boredom

ON DEADLY GROUND (1994)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

Steven Seagal always struck me as a charismatic presence but never much of an actor. All he had to do was frown, wrinkle his forehead, look down upon his enemy like a hunter and fight mano-a-mano. Once, twice, it may have worked but after such repetitious claptrap like "Marked For Death" and "Out for Justice," it resulted in a narrow, single-minded purpose. He is certainly not a director, despite his 1994 opus entitled "On Deadly Ground," and Seagal is merely a stiff bore in a stiff bore of a movie.

Seagal plays Forrest Taft, an oil rig worker who tries to defend the Alaskan wilderness and its inhabitants, an Inuit tribe, from the deadly forces of a greedy oil company (AEGIS) run by a generic CEO madman (Michael Caine, all apologies for being called generic).

First Problem: Any movie that begins with an obligatory bar fight isn't necessarily high on being environmentally conscious (which Seagal is aiming for). Secondly, Michael Caine is on automatic pilot here, exuding little to no menace whatsoever (compare this role to his rough London gangster role in the mean and lean "Get Carter"). We all need to do movies for a paycheck (check Caine off for mechanical efforts like "Jaws: The Revenge" and "Beyond the Poseidon Adventure") but he could be choosier than a movie with such dull impact like this Seagal snoozer.

Seagal as a director opts for a spiritual Oliver Stone-type dirge effort when dealing with the Inuit in what often looks like an extended montage for Stone's "The Doors."  Joan Chen, who had starred in Oliver Stone's "Heaven and Earth," doesn't make much of an impression here as a member of the aboriginal tribe - a shameful waste of screen time for a stellar actress. And there is a ridiculous speech at the end where Seagal comments on the deterioration of Mother Earth that seems like a heavier-handed Oliver Stone message. In the midst of all of this, there is an awful lot of bone-crunching sound effects with Seagal kicking butt as usual.

"On Deadly Ground" is rotten at every level. Someone should do a speech about making tripe like this. 

Keep your blinds closed

DRESSED TO KILL (1980)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

It's excessive, over-the-top, theatrical and operatic gibberish. It is also fluidly directed and top-notch in suspense and thrills. Heck, you know exactly who I am talking about - welcome to the wonderfully voyeuristic world of Brian De Palma. "Dressed to Kill" was roundly criticized for being misogynistic in 1980 and, though there is abuse and violence directed towards women, there is plenty more to discuss beyond women-hating tactics.

Angie Dickinson is Kate Miller, a fortyish woman in New York who has lustful dreams. She dreams of lust in the opening sequence during one of the most famous shower scenes since "Psycho." We see Kate bathing and caressing herself while watching her husband shave. Suddenly, she is groped by some stranger though one assumes she is enjoying it. Later, her husband has sex with her but she is disappointed. She communicates her feelings to her psychiatrist, Dr. Elliott (Michael Caine), and all his advice is to tell her husband how she feels. Kate isn't confident with her looks, feeling that no man would want to make love to her as opposed to a wham-bam-thank-you-m'aam special. In one of the most absorbing sequences ever created on film, Kate walks around the museum, observing a young couple, a child walking away from her parents and a painting. A man sits next to her wearing sunglasses. He takes notes and she tries to acknowledge his presence. He walks away and she follows. She loses her glove. The sequence goes on and on until she is lured to a cab by the stranger. They have sex and go back to his apartment. She discovers that he has a venereal disease. She leaves the apartment only to discover her wedding ring is missing. Suddenly, there is a shocking surprise that should not be revealed if you haven't seen the film. Suffice to say, Mr. De Palma has a lot more up his sleeve.

"Dressed to Kill" is De Palma's most obvious homage to Hitchcock but it also establishes his own signature style. The museum sequence could be seen as a direct reference to Hitch's famous interminable shot of James Stewart following another car in "Vertigo." But the voyeurism is more pronounced than Hitch's own films ever were, showcasing how men and women see themselves in relationships (the mirror reflections are a case in point). Caine's Dr. Elliott has many scenes where he looks at himself in a mirror. The best example of voyeuristic mirror images (suggesting split personalities) is a split-screen effect where Elliott watches a Phil Donahue special featuring a transsexual while Nancy Allen, playing a high-class call-girl who's interested in stocks and bonds, looks at herself in a mirror while the same program plays. Another excellent example is when Keith Gordon (playing Kate's whiz-kid son) is at the police station where glass surfaces serve as mini movies into other people's lives. The subjectivity is all over the place since we never know whose point-of-view we are following.

De Palma has been criticized for being a mysogynist, for treating women as Madonna whores who deserve to die. This is a ridiculous assessment considering Nancy Allen's character is certainly allowed to live despite her near-brush with death. Angie Dickinson's Kate has a heavy romp in the hay with a complete stranger who has a venereal disease. Her denouement may not please many, but how many people felt angry when Janet Leigh's brush with the law resulted in her own death in "Psycho"? Hitchcock and De Palma may not have completely trusted their women characters, but their empathy and sympathy for them is certainly evident. These women are not one-dimensional stereotypes - they have a human dimension that allows the viewer to care about them.

It is not fair to reveal much more except to say that if you love Hitchcock's "Psycho" and "Vertigo," among De Palma's other films, "Dressed to Kill" stands as a minor classic in the thriller genre. It is one of De Palma's most nightmarish films, an intensifying, blood-curling thriller that builds its story slowly leading to one of the best "shock" endings since his own "Carrie." There are films like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "A Clockwork Orange" and "Last House on the Left" that are considered dangerous cinema - films that have no safety net such as humor to offset the horror. Though there is some subtle humor, "Dressed to Kill" is a truly dangerous film. Watch it with the blinds closed.

Breaking all the rules

THE CIDER HOUSE RULES (1999)

Reviewed by Jerry Saravia

"The Cider House Rules" is the kind of film that has every element in place: strikingly good performances, beautiful cinematography, and solid art direction. Considering this film is set in the 1940's, the period detail is astoundingly vivid - the cars, the clothes, the houses all have the right look and design. And so it is frustrating to see that when everything falls in place, the structure of the film takes a dramatic left turn and leaves numerous plotholes in its wake.

The film opens at a snowy train stop in St. Cloud's, Maine where an orphanage exists called the Cider House. It is run by Dr. Wilbur Larch (Michael Caine), a fastidious doctor who performs abortions with the help of his young protege, Homer Wells (Tobey Maguire). Larch's mission is to save women from the clutches of amateur doctors in back alleys - he sees himself performing a service unavailable to most women. His moments of solace and refuge is in his addiction to ether.

Homer assists Larch as often as he can, and his home is at Cider House since he is an orphan and practically grew up there. But Homer feels cold and lonely there, despite knowing all the young, parent-less kids who look up to him. He needs an exit to another world he has not seen, outside of what I like to call "The Cider House Blues." He gets a chance one day when Candy (Charlize Theron) arrives at Cider House for an abortion with her boyfriend, Wally (Paul Rudd), who is preparing to go to war. Homer leaves with them, and goes to work at Wally's apple-picking family farm with a group of African-American migrant workers lead by Mr. Rose (the intense Delroy Lindo). While Wally fights the war, Homer falls in love with Candy, and discovers that there are other movies that exist besides "King Kong."

"The Cider House Blues" has a subplot involving incest, and the question of abortion comes up again, as Homer decides if he should perform such a procedure. Unfortunately these episodes at Wally's family farm are less than enchanting and cliche-ridden. John Irving adapted his own novel for the screen, but it is not dramatic enough to stimulate much interest. Although the romance between Homer and Candy is sparkling and flavorful, it does not mix well with the migrant workers and their crisis, or the Cider House subplot where Dr. Larch forges an entire application on Homer and his medical background so he can get him back to assist. Once the film ends, there are a lot of unresolved situations and fractured relationships between characters. The final sequence is anticlimactic, promising more than is actually delivered.

"The Cider House Rules" is still a finely crafted and beautifully made film. Michael Caine is as good as he has ever been, mimicking an American accent flawlessly and creating a sympathetic character out of the saintly Dr. Larch. Tobey Maguire reminds me more and more of a young Kevin Kline, sometimes suggesting a cocky side with his eyebrows. Charlize Theron looks like a woman of the 40's, sexy and sweet and troubled. But the film sort of ends abruptly and loses us in the seeming construction of a final act that goes nowhere. It is only half of a great movie, but at least, it is a decent half.